Hello and welcome back friends. A lot of events ranging from interesting to grave happened since my last post. Well, sometimes, even your friend Prabhasini gets entwined in her life's issues which seems to grip her like arms and legs of an Octopus. But, anyways. Life is back on track and so is my pen-paper-and-blogger.
Recently, a news has been making a lot of rounds and based on that several terms began to surface in local jargon which were not heard of previously. Guessed right! I'm taking about extra-marital affairs being decriminalized and words like polyandry, polygyny, polygamous etc. are doing rounds in chai-pe-charcha both online and off-line.
Some argue - that a thing like this should have existed much before in a progressive country like India. While others claim this move would bring down, if not stop, the levels of crime and violence against women in our country. Debating against this move, on the contrary, others claim it to be a derogatory move brought in to aggravate the plight of either spouse who are denied their conjugal rights and can be used as a shield to safeguard against their respective wives or husbands whi have been deliberately cheating on them, thereby causing mental disturbance.
Well, whatever have been the logic behind decriminalizing extra-marital affairs, one thing is for sure - this move has indeed raised a hype regarding what is right and accepted morally & should be permitted to happen within the context of a healthy and happy marital relationship in our Indian society.
Naturally, as you can guess, the aftermath has indeed driven many people, esp. those couples who have a wife or a husband having an 'extra' as - crazy. Now, from my own field research, here are a few quotations by different people of different social backgrounds and religions - whose identity have been strictly kept confidential for the sake of both privacy of personal matter and brevity.
Case-1 - Man at an upper class pub in his 40s - Well, I truely appreciate this move. Now I don't have to hide my clandestine affair from my wife, and that makes me feel, I am being more honest towards her. She too, has accepted my relationship. Although bizarre for the prying eyes - my girlfriend is a 19 year old college student while I am in my 40s now, do you think love has any age. I am physically fit. And, I yearn to do several things which my wife can't do any longer. That doesn't mean I would think of leaving my wife for the sake of any other lady - that thing can never happen, not at least in this birth. But, the sense liberation that I feel with my girlfriend is something beyond description and it instills an youthful feeling in me. The truth is - I want both these ladies - but my wife is my wife.
Case-2 - A senior officer at a reputable organisation (name concealed upon request) - I belong to a profession wherein - after staying away from home under high stress situations all I long for is to go home to my family and relax and spend quality time with them. I do not expect that my wife would sit at the doorway waiting for me with tears in her eyes like 'dukhiyari bahus' of daily soaps. But, when you return and find that your own bedroom has turned into ----- (teary eyed)
I understand that I have to be away from home for long. And, at all times, despite hi-tech digital innovations it doesn't become feasible to talk to the love of your life.
But - does that mean that for every person like me - who works day in day out so that several others can lead a safe and peaceful life will get this in return. While we swear of never being disloyal in our profession, we bear a slap of dishonor right at our own homes and have to bear the guilt of not being able to save our very own families. Just because we have to be away. Didn't the lady know this before marrying me. Despite that, why? A stint happened at the heat of the moment is a different issue. But, what will the constitution say about deliberate cheating - citing loneliness while one knew it pretty well that I have to be away.
Case - 3 - An IT firm employee - I have straight - forwardly asked my wife to leave my home. And now, she is squabbling and threatening to take me to court and slap fake charges on me. The govt. in a bid to woo female voters have always been unfair towards male rights. An woman can get away with almost anything. Men are suspected. I have clearly said her - if he could have fulfilled your physical intimacy needs, why do you come to me for financial needs. Ask him to fulfill them as well. Why should I fund my wife's extra-marital affair.
Case-4 - A lady in her late 30s at a beauty parlour - I had to make a tough choice and give up my career 10 years back to take care of my children and home. And today - the man on whom I trusted the most has left me insecure. He is with a much younger lady, who is a thorough professional and successful in all respects. Had I continued working, I would have been better than her today. And now, he says - he merely has an 'activity' with her while I am still his wife. If he regards me as his wife, then, can't that 'activity' be done with me. What is he trying to imply - that I am for the sake of his household and she is for love-making. I feel myself so helpless - esp. after this law as he says I can't get divorce merely on this ground and says that by having extramarital affairs, he is never insulting me or questioning my existence.
Case-5 - A financial sector young professional - I'm in my late 20s. I'm married to my husband for 7 years now. I had been ambitious always. So, I had always sought for NRI boys. After having a tragic incident of being ditched by my former lover, I married my present husband. And now, I am an aspiring actor with quite a lot of commercials done so far. Sometimes I find my husband's values come in way of my career choices. Recently, one of my ex-es contacted me with a film offer and their were certain scenes with which I was pretty much confident enough, but had to give up that offer because of my husband's family. Oh! I feel so stuffed and suffocated. But, an image concern lept me from taking any bold step like extramarital. However, thankful to the new law, now I will boldly keep contact with my ex-es, and may if I get a chance...
Case-6 - A teenage girl - I am super confused you see. There are many people - in school, locality, everywhere who says behind my back that I am a 'b*****d' child. Many give very odd glimpses at me. People criticize me in all possible ways they can. I feel so horrible. My dad has multiple affairs and in order to teach him a lesson even my mom had a few. And now, both of them keep fighting regarding who should take my responsibility. I am in 9th standard. In a year from now I will write my board exams - make choice of streams to study further - decide about joint exams etc. But, like feels so negative that, I do not find any motivation to do anything. After this law - my dad and mom both say - they have done the best thing by having their respective affairs and that none can question them or put them behind the bars for it now. But, what about me - while I get approached inappropriately in the streets, while I have to tackle and fight against advances of offenders, while I have no friends at school and everyone tries to make me feel inferior and untouchable-dirty, while I have to deal with bitter sadness when I see others having a normal lofe with their parents. Just because of an uncontrolled libido, today I am no where. And, I do feel helpless, cause they say- you do not get divorce on this ground any longer.
Phew! A wide variety of responses indeed. Well, I am no one to comment about the validity of a decision taken by the apex legal body of my country. But, before publishing such a law and popularizing it - what many overlooked was the fact that how would this amendment be intercepted by the diverse population of India. Also, as many said that the law was made taking into consideration merely the couple as a unit and children, parents or family were not regarded. I have not read about the law - and I am not a student of law either. But, going by these cases, esp. the last one, I guess, atleast in a society like India where people still have a lot of progress to make in their outlook and perceptions they make regarding other people, we cannot really overlook these other aspects associated with a person.
Unlike west, in India, all our women are yet to be financially independent. Unlike many countries in the west, India doesn't provide free education in colleges for it's native students. Unlike west, we Indians in general have a notion of progress which is modernity imbibed within traditional values. Many still have joint families and do not wish to give it up. And most important of all - India still lacks economic independence. Our lives and ways are different from the western counterparts. So, something in order to be successful here, needs to be fully legible in the Indian context, instead of saying - this one particular thing happens in a way in the west.
I am neither supporting nor against any bill passed. But, what I am trying to highlight is that any law without proper implementation and thorough information about it with various associated clauses; becomes a burden for an extended class of people. People these days do succumb merely to the limited highlights of social media information and act accordingly, only to find out much later that there had been underlying clauses which is getting them into severe trouble.
While many find extramarital relationships as means to vent out their stress, anger, frustration and claim it to be an escape from boredom, others say that those claiming to be happy in a long term marriage and still chose to remain faithful to their spouse are actually living in self-denial. According to them, life with one person becomes monotonous after a while and you need change ( of person) in order to be productive and happy.
However, change and dynamism has already added so much stress of coping up, that what people really seek out for is stability - and surprisingly many youngsters supported committed long term relationships. And, if you are following your traditions and being faithful to your partner - that doesn't really make you unhappy or uncool. Before you take a step - do think about your family, in case they have to bear a dark brunt of your actions. And, for the rest - who merely says that 'it's an activity and can be done without a criminal consequence if it's extramarital', well, I guess - depriving your wife or husband and traumatizing her or him is still regarded as criminal action. So, before cheating, think twice.
It's very difficult to set up a family, and takes time, patience and nurturing to turn it to a good family. Professions might be demanding, our spouse might loose their stamina with time or may be that our spouse might turn out to have different values and viewpoints compared to us. But, cheating is not really an answer nor a solution. Ask yourself - is that 'extra' person willing to stand up by your side even if you go bankrupt, even if you loose everything, even if you fail to provide them what you are providing today. Sometimes, we confuse love with temporarily satisfying arrangements. But they are temporary - with a potetial to create a lasting rift in your happiness.
Isn't that a huge price to pay. Think about it.
Recently, a news has been making a lot of rounds and based on that several terms began to surface in local jargon which were not heard of previously. Guessed right! I'm taking about extra-marital affairs being decriminalized and words like polyandry, polygyny, polygamous etc. are doing rounds in chai-pe-charcha both online and off-line.
Some argue - that a thing like this should have existed much before in a progressive country like India. While others claim this move would bring down, if not stop, the levels of crime and violence against women in our country. Debating against this move, on the contrary, others claim it to be a derogatory move brought in to aggravate the plight of either spouse who are denied their conjugal rights and can be used as a shield to safeguard against their respective wives or husbands whi have been deliberately cheating on them, thereby causing mental disturbance.
Well, whatever have been the logic behind decriminalizing extra-marital affairs, one thing is for sure - this move has indeed raised a hype regarding what is right and accepted morally & should be permitted to happen within the context of a healthy and happy marital relationship in our Indian society.
Naturally, as you can guess, the aftermath has indeed driven many people, esp. those couples who have a wife or a husband having an 'extra' as - crazy. Now, from my own field research, here are a few quotations by different people of different social backgrounds and religions - whose identity have been strictly kept confidential for the sake of both privacy of personal matter and brevity.
Case-1 - Man at an upper class pub in his 40s - Well, I truely appreciate this move. Now I don't have to hide my clandestine affair from my wife, and that makes me feel, I am being more honest towards her. She too, has accepted my relationship. Although bizarre for the prying eyes - my girlfriend is a 19 year old college student while I am in my 40s now, do you think love has any age. I am physically fit. And, I yearn to do several things which my wife can't do any longer. That doesn't mean I would think of leaving my wife for the sake of any other lady - that thing can never happen, not at least in this birth. But, the sense liberation that I feel with my girlfriend is something beyond description and it instills an youthful feeling in me. The truth is - I want both these ladies - but my wife is my wife.
Case-2 - A senior officer at a reputable organisation (name concealed upon request) - I belong to a profession wherein - after staying away from home under high stress situations all I long for is to go home to my family and relax and spend quality time with them. I do not expect that my wife would sit at the doorway waiting for me with tears in her eyes like 'dukhiyari bahus' of daily soaps. But, when you return and find that your own bedroom has turned into ----- (teary eyed)
I understand that I have to be away from home for long. And, at all times, despite hi-tech digital innovations it doesn't become feasible to talk to the love of your life.
But - does that mean that for every person like me - who works day in day out so that several others can lead a safe and peaceful life will get this in return. While we swear of never being disloyal in our profession, we bear a slap of dishonor right at our own homes and have to bear the guilt of not being able to save our very own families. Just because we have to be away. Didn't the lady know this before marrying me. Despite that, why? A stint happened at the heat of the moment is a different issue. But, what will the constitution say about deliberate cheating - citing loneliness while one knew it pretty well that I have to be away.
Case - 3 - An IT firm employee - I have straight - forwardly asked my wife to leave my home. And now, she is squabbling and threatening to take me to court and slap fake charges on me. The govt. in a bid to woo female voters have always been unfair towards male rights. An woman can get away with almost anything. Men are suspected. I have clearly said her - if he could have fulfilled your physical intimacy needs, why do you come to me for financial needs. Ask him to fulfill them as well. Why should I fund my wife's extra-marital affair.
Case-4 - A lady in her late 30s at a beauty parlour - I had to make a tough choice and give up my career 10 years back to take care of my children and home. And today - the man on whom I trusted the most has left me insecure. He is with a much younger lady, who is a thorough professional and successful in all respects. Had I continued working, I would have been better than her today. And now, he says - he merely has an 'activity' with her while I am still his wife. If he regards me as his wife, then, can't that 'activity' be done with me. What is he trying to imply - that I am for the sake of his household and she is for love-making. I feel myself so helpless - esp. after this law as he says I can't get divorce merely on this ground and says that by having extramarital affairs, he is never insulting me or questioning my existence.
Case-5 - A financial sector young professional - I'm in my late 20s. I'm married to my husband for 7 years now. I had been ambitious always. So, I had always sought for NRI boys. After having a tragic incident of being ditched by my former lover, I married my present husband. And now, I am an aspiring actor with quite a lot of commercials done so far. Sometimes I find my husband's values come in way of my career choices. Recently, one of my ex-es contacted me with a film offer and their were certain scenes with which I was pretty much confident enough, but had to give up that offer because of my husband's family. Oh! I feel so stuffed and suffocated. But, an image concern lept me from taking any bold step like extramarital. However, thankful to the new law, now I will boldly keep contact with my ex-es, and may if I get a chance...
Case-6 - A teenage girl - I am super confused you see. There are many people - in school, locality, everywhere who says behind my back that I am a 'b*****d' child. Many give very odd glimpses at me. People criticize me in all possible ways they can. I feel so horrible. My dad has multiple affairs and in order to teach him a lesson even my mom had a few. And now, both of them keep fighting regarding who should take my responsibility. I am in 9th standard. In a year from now I will write my board exams - make choice of streams to study further - decide about joint exams etc. But, like feels so negative that, I do not find any motivation to do anything. After this law - my dad and mom both say - they have done the best thing by having their respective affairs and that none can question them or put them behind the bars for it now. But, what about me - while I get approached inappropriately in the streets, while I have to tackle and fight against advances of offenders, while I have no friends at school and everyone tries to make me feel inferior and untouchable-dirty, while I have to deal with bitter sadness when I see others having a normal lofe with their parents. Just because of an uncontrolled libido, today I am no where. And, I do feel helpless, cause they say- you do not get divorce on this ground any longer.
Phew! A wide variety of responses indeed. Well, I am no one to comment about the validity of a decision taken by the apex legal body of my country. But, before publishing such a law and popularizing it - what many overlooked was the fact that how would this amendment be intercepted by the diverse population of India. Also, as many said that the law was made taking into consideration merely the couple as a unit and children, parents or family were not regarded. I have not read about the law - and I am not a student of law either. But, going by these cases, esp. the last one, I guess, atleast in a society like India where people still have a lot of progress to make in their outlook and perceptions they make regarding other people, we cannot really overlook these other aspects associated with a person.
Unlike west, in India, all our women are yet to be financially independent. Unlike many countries in the west, India doesn't provide free education in colleges for it's native students. Unlike west, we Indians in general have a notion of progress which is modernity imbibed within traditional values. Many still have joint families and do not wish to give it up. And most important of all - India still lacks economic independence. Our lives and ways are different from the western counterparts. So, something in order to be successful here, needs to be fully legible in the Indian context, instead of saying - this one particular thing happens in a way in the west.
I am neither supporting nor against any bill passed. But, what I am trying to highlight is that any law without proper implementation and thorough information about it with various associated clauses; becomes a burden for an extended class of people. People these days do succumb merely to the limited highlights of social media information and act accordingly, only to find out much later that there had been underlying clauses which is getting them into severe trouble.
While many find extramarital relationships as means to vent out their stress, anger, frustration and claim it to be an escape from boredom, others say that those claiming to be happy in a long term marriage and still chose to remain faithful to their spouse are actually living in self-denial. According to them, life with one person becomes monotonous after a while and you need change ( of person) in order to be productive and happy.
However, change and dynamism has already added so much stress of coping up, that what people really seek out for is stability - and surprisingly many youngsters supported committed long term relationships. And, if you are following your traditions and being faithful to your partner - that doesn't really make you unhappy or uncool. Before you take a step - do think about your family, in case they have to bear a dark brunt of your actions. And, for the rest - who merely says that 'it's an activity and can be done without a criminal consequence if it's extramarital', well, I guess - depriving your wife or husband and traumatizing her or him is still regarded as criminal action. So, before cheating, think twice.
It's very difficult to set up a family, and takes time, patience and nurturing to turn it to a good family. Professions might be demanding, our spouse might loose their stamina with time or may be that our spouse might turn out to have different values and viewpoints compared to us. But, cheating is not really an answer nor a solution. Ask yourself - is that 'extra' person willing to stand up by your side even if you go bankrupt, even if you loose everything, even if you fail to provide them what you are providing today. Sometimes, we confuse love with temporarily satisfying arrangements. But they are temporary - with a potetial to create a lasting rift in your happiness.
Isn't that a huge price to pay. Think about it.
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